Am I Too Much?

I hate that I’ve ever even considered making myself smaller for the sake of someone else’s comfort.

I ask myself this question so often that when I really stop to think about it, it makes me sad. Somewhere along the way, someone in my life made me feel like I was too much—however you might define that. Too loud. Too emotional. Too needy. Too anxious. Too excited. And I took that to mean that if I shrunk myself, I’d be more likable. More lovable. More palatable.

The thing is, even through all of those doubts and whispers and judgments, I never really did shrink myself. Well—except for when I was 22 and had a job I hated and a relationship that made me anxious. But that wasn’t shrinking so much as hiding. I didn’t know who I was yet, I felt insecure, so I tried to stay as invisible as possible. But that version of me? She wasn’t me at all.

Because here’s the truth: I’ve always been someone who puts her feelings out into the world. I wrote songs about boys in high school and performed them at talent shows, belting my heartbreak into a microphone while my ex sat in the audience, probably wishing he’d never dated a girl with a guitar and a grudge. I wrote personal essays for Her Campus about college hookups, fumbling my way through early relationships and putting it all into words. And now I write about love, dating, and breakups for tens of thousands of people to read. I take my heartbreak and turn it into stories, and in return, those stories help other people feel less alone.

Here’s something I want to be clear about though: just because I write about my experiences doesn’t mean I air out all of my dirty laundry. People love to assume that because I share parts of my life online, I must be sharing everything. But what people consume of me on the internet is only a small fraction of my life. I’ll always respect people’s privacy—even the ones who have hurt me.

And yet, I still wonder if I’m too much.

I wonder if a guy will see my social media following and think, “I don’t want to end up as content”. I wonder if someone will look at the way I pour my feelings into words and find it overwhelming. I wonder if I’ll meet someone who loves the passion and the creativity and the way I feel things so deeply—or if I’ll just scare them away.

The worst part is I know I’m not alone in this fear. We’re conditioned to believe we have to be the cool girl—effortlessly beautiful, easygoing, never upset, never needing too much. We’re taught that the ideal woman is low-maintenance and that the second we have feelings or expectations, we’ve lost our appeal. That we need to be “not like other girls” when really, the other girls are the best thing to be. And I hate that.

I hate that I’ve ever even considered making myself smaller for the sake of someone else’s comfort.

The right people will never ask you to shrink yourself. They won’t flinch at your big feelings, your passion, or the way you throw your whole heart into the things you love. They won’t run when you express yourself. They won’t feel threatened by your success or your ambition. They won’t make you feel like you have to water yourself down to be worthy of love.

And if you ever start to doubt that, just remember: You might be too much for someone, but you’ll be just right for someone else.

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PS: My debut novel, Call It What You Want, is available to order here. I appreciate your time and support more than you know! ILYSM <3

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