What is the Valentine's Day Protocol for Situationships?
i fear you're not gonna like the answer
The dreaded question. The dreaded answer you know won’t be the one you want. The dreaded day of love for the people who aren’t in it, but are longing for it. For more years than I’d like to admit, I was one of those people.
In the weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day, I used to strategize my approach. How was I going to play it this year? Do I have the courage to ask if we can go out to dinner? Do I suggest something more low-key like pizza and wine at my place? Or do I play cool girl and not bring it up so he thinks I don’t care when I know I’ll just cry into a bottle of Cab all night? All of these are options but there’s only one right answer and I have a feeling you won’t like it.
If you want to make plans with someone who doesn’t want to make plans with you, you need to let them go. Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship, you should never have to beg for someone’s time or attention. One, you are way too fucking cool for that, and two, you’re disrespecting yourself if you let anyone just pick and choose when they want you. The right people will always show up for you, and you won’t have to live in fear that they’ll vanish when things get tough or someone better comes along. I wish that were a lesson I’d learned sooner in life because I lived that way for too long and I feel sad for that version of me.
The Valentine’s Day protocol for anyone in a situationship is to walk away. You don’t have to end it with some dramatic text. Something as simple as: We’re looking for different things. I like you and want things to progress in a way they’re not and I don’t want to waste either of our time. The tricky thing is their response. If your situationship is anything like mine was, they’ll convince you that they’re trying to get there and promise to work on communication or effort. And maybe they will for a few days or weeks, but eventually you’ll find yourself on the next holiday begging for their time and attention yet again. We both know you deserve more than that.
Love isn’t settling for a fraction of someone because it’s better than nothing. Love isn’t waiting for someone to be ready for you. Love isn’t wondering how someone feels about you. Love is having all of them and then some. Love comes out of nowhere. Love is knowing how they feel because they show you every chance they get. I thought that what I had with my situationship was love, mostly because I’d never been in it before and even though I still haven’t, I know enough to recognize that I wasn’t in love with him. I was in love with the idea of him. That itself is enough to make someone go crazy.
Letting go isn’t going to be easy, it hardly ever is. But in the wise words of Blair Waldorf, wouldn’t you rather lose someone than lose yourself? Situationships are nothing but confusion, pain, and embarrassment. Unrequited love breaks you down in a way that not many other things do. It feels poetic at first until you realize that there’s nothing romantic about wanting someone who doesn’t want you back. Take your dignity, send the “break-up” text, buy yourself a bottle of wine and your favorite takeout, and spend this Valentine’s Day with the person you should love most—yourself.
PS: My debut novel, Call It What You Want, is available to order here. I appreciate your time and support more than you know! ILYSM <3
I LOVE Valentine's Day. It's so cutesy. I make heart-shaped foods for my (now adult) daughter and buy pink candies. That being said, I am happily single and not dating. Oh, and... releasing a breakup puzzle book for this year's holiday.
I'm still going to wear pink and have a heart-shaped pizza, though. :)