"do you have kids?"

on timelines, success, and the strange pressure to be “behind"

“Do you have kids?”

In all 29 years of my life, no one had ever seriously asked me that question before. But I found myself seated at a table surrounded by married women whose screensavers were their babies or toddlers.

Do I look old enough to have kids? I thought to myself.

As politely as I could, I held out my left hand to highlight the absence of a diamond on my ring finger. Then I followed that motion up by word-vomiting something along the lines of, “I’m only 29. None of my friends are married—well, three of them are, two have babies, one is engaged. But yeah, we’re not really in that stage of life yet.”

I could hear the defense that was laced through each sentence as it came out of my mouth. Why was I so quick to give an explanation? Why did I feel like I had to present a case as to why I’m 29, single, and childless? Was that a preview of what conversations in my 30s will be like?

The thing is, I don’t feel behind. At all. I actually feel ahead.

I always thought I’d be married, or at least engaged, by 30. But with each trip around the sun I realized that my 20s were never supposed to be about finding someone else—they were for finding myself. The accomplishments I’ve experienced in this decade are some that people work their whole lives for and still never achieve. Everyone’s dreams look different. Some involve white picket fences, chaperoning school field trips, and testing new crockpot recipes. Others involve too many airline miles, sold-out book signings, and being a number on a best-seller list. Both lives are fulfilling in their own ways.

So why, when asked if I had kids, did I feel like I was behind?

The logical part of my brain knew I wasn’t. I knew that life wasn’t a checklist you complete in a specific order: graduate, get a job, get engaged, get married, buy a house, have a baby. I knew that people take detours, change directions, sometimes start over entirely. But logic rarely shows up first in moments like that. Instead, social conditioning does.

Somewhere along the way, most of us absorbed the idea that adulthood follows a timeline. By your late twenties, you’re supposed to be settled down and partnered up. If you’re not? Then people start asking questions. Not always malicious ones. Often they’re asked casually, in the same way someone might ask where you went to college or what you do for work.

But the subtext is still there: Where are you in the timeline?

For women especially, the timeline feels oddly narrow. Your twenties are the audition and your thirties are when you’re supposed to have secured the role.

I could have answered that question by explaining what the past few years of my life have actually looked like. “No, I don’t have kids. I got my heart broken and wrote a book about it that went on to sell a hundred thousand copies. It allowed me to quit my 9 to 5 and write another book which is actually featured in the current issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine. It releases this August and there’s a multi-city tour. Do you like to read?”

I’d never say that, of course. But I can picture the pause, the change in expression, the half-hearted answer about how she used to read when she had time. But now, between daycare drop-offs and bath time and endless loads of laundry, she rarely has time to herself.

That’s the thing about timelines. From the outside, someone else’s life can look like they’re ahead of you—like they reached a milestone first, like they figured something out that you haven’t yet. But the truth is, every life ends up full in its own way and at its own pace. The hours I spend writing are the same hours someone else might spend rocking a baby back to sleep. My weekends traveling for book events are someone else’s weekends at soccer games and birthday parties. My milestones come in publication dates instead of first steps. Neither path is more right, more real, or more “grown up.” They’re just different versions of what a life can look like.

So maybe the reason I felt behind when she asked that question has nothing to do with my actual life. Maybe it has everything to do with the fact that we’re still taught there’s only one timeline to follow.

But sitting there at that table, I realized something.

I’m not behind. I’m just living a life that doesn’t come with milestones people expect to see yet. And maybe someday the answer to her question will be “yes,” or “we’re trying,” or maybe it won’t.

Either way, the life I’m building in the meantime is already full.

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PS: My new novel, How to Find Love in the Cereal Aisle, releases on August 4th and is available to pre-order here. I appreciate your time and support more than you know! ILYSM <3

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